AJRMAN
I Want You Back
Good news. In fact great fucking news. I don't have to work until the radiation treatments stop, and I'll still get paid. My sister Janice informed me that I get compensation for a medical leave of absence from the state. It's a disability fund. I quickly applied for it, so when my sick leave expires I will then get paid through the state. Great, great news. Honestly, except for a few days of being tired, the treatments haven't been all that bad. The Doctor says the cancer has not spread, so everything seems to be going well.
Now my only concern is, should I call Javier? Would it be selfish of me? Yep, kinda. It's only been a month since we broke up. He couldn't of moved on. Could he? Maybe I'll stop by his work tonight, and tell him everything. Or maybe not. What if he rejects me? What if, what if, what if. I thought I was done whining. Oh, but how easy that talent comes into play. Okay then, so tonight I go see Javier. Woo Hoo! I'm so excited! And I just can't hide it. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I want you, I want you. A little Pointer Sisters to give me a boost. Nothing wrong with that............is there?
I waited till 1:00am to go to Ralph's. Javier would be working the registers and putting merchandise on the shelves. I got dressed up. I thought I looked pretty cute. I went to the Gap today and bought new clothes. I'm a thirty inch waist now. Who said Cancer didn't have it's benefits?
I went into the store and quickly searched the aisles for Javier. I didn't see him. I checked the registers every time customers went up, to see if he would appear. He didn't. A woman was handling the customers. I'm a little sad at this point. What does a sad gay guy do when he needs comfort? You got it, buy ice cream. I picked my favorite, Cookies and Cream, and headed for the check out stand. The woman was nice, and commented on how this ice cream was her favorite too.
" Umm..." I said " Is Javier working tonight? "
" Yeah, he is. But he's on his break right now"
" Ahh " I had a sad look on my face.
" Did you need to talk to him? "
" Yes. If I could "
" What's your name? " I told her my name, and she smiled knowingly.
" Hmm. So you're the guy?" she said. I sighed, and looked away embarrassed. Luckily no one was standing in line behind me. I shrugged my shoulders innocently.
" Yep, that's me. I'm an asshole."
" You sure are " she replied. Okay, I made the "Asshole" remark to be funny. She didn't have to agree with me. Bitch. But I kinda like her anyway.
" Hold on, I'll go get him " she came around to my side of the checkout and headed towards the back of the store. A few steps into it, she stopped and headed back towards me.
" Just to let you know " she stood very close to me. " He's a good guy. Don't fuck with him "
" I won't, I won't. I promise. " I started to sweat. She scared me. She turned and went to the back of the store. I waited up front, straightening my pants and collar. I was nervous. I was scared. What was taking so long? I glanced down the aisle, so I could see Javier when he appeared. But he didn't. The woman came out alone, and headed towards me. My heart sank. I felt sick. She passed me, and went around to her register. I stared at her, with wide eyes. For the love of God woman, SPEAK!
" He'll be out in a minute " I let out a sigh of relief. I glanced again down the aisle, and I saw him. I smiled big. A wide stupid smile, but I didn't care. My face turned red. It took all my strength, not to run up to him and kiss him. He walked towards the entrance of the store, and pointed to it as he glanced at me. I guess this means he wants to talk to me outside. He exited the store and I followed him. I was too busy smiling and turning red to notice if he seemed happy to see me. I couldn't remember, and that thought sank my heart again as I went outside. He stood near the newspaper machines. He wasn't smiling. He wasn't mean looking either. He just looked at me. No emotions. You know that diaherra feeling I keep talking about, but always deny having? Well this time it's for real.
" Hey Javier " I held my hands in my pants pockets, trying to look as innocent and cute as possible.
" You look good. How ya doin' ?" I said, walking towards him.
" You wanted to speak with me?" He said this coldly.
" Yeah. Uhh.... " geez, I couldn't stand to look at him. I'm a fucking Asshole. I deserve to be treated this way.
" Uhh...yeah, I wanted to talk to you " I was an arms length away from him now.
" Okay. What about? " Brrrrrrr.......still cold.
" Uhh...okay here it goes. I'm sorry Javier. I'm sorry, for what I did. I'm sorry for how I treated you. I'm an Ass" he nodded yes to this, and I chuckled " I know. I don't know what else to say. But I had reasons for it." he folded his arms across his chest.
" What reasons?"
I just stood there looking at him. Why couldn't I talk? I have Cancer Javier. That's all I have to say. But I can't bring myself to say it. What the fuck is wrong with me? All of a sudden, I don't want him back. All of a sudden, I don't care anymore. I'm one fucked up guy. He kept standing there. Boy, this man has patience. You gotta give him that.
What if my Cancer doesn't go away? It was too soon for me to do this. It was stupid and selfish of me to do this to him. What do I do now? All the thoughts that prompted me to break up with him in the first place, are rushing back into my mind. Damn, damn, mind! My eyes started to tear up. I don't want to hurt him again. I'm an idiot. A fucking idiot!
" I'm sorry Javier. I shouldn't have come here. I'm sorry. " I started to walk away, and he grabbed my arm.
" Why can't you talk to me guy?! What the fuck are you hiding?!" he had tears in his eyes too. I started to become embarrassed, looking around, wondering if we were making a spectacle of ourselves. But the parking lot was empty. Except for the employees cars.
" I....I..." that's all I could say.
" What?! Tell me, or I swear I'm going to hit you" He made a fist, and held it near my cheek, but the smirk on his face let me know he was joking. I laughed, as did he. He hugged me. It felt good. I felt I belonged, that I was his.
" Tell me " he whispered. I buried my face in his chest. What I said came out muffled.
" I have Cancer"
" What?" he said putting his head lower. I lifted my head up and looked at him.
" I have Cancer "
" Fuck " his hug became tighter. Which was nice. I was afraid it would of got looser. " How do you feel?"
" I actually feel okay. I'm getting radiation treatments. Gamma rays "
" Like the Incredible Hulk?" I laughed at this.
" That's what I thought too. What if I get all green and shit, and get big muscles?"
" That wouldn't be so bad " I squeezed him hard for this remark, and he groaned in pain, then laughed. " I'm just kidding "
" I know " I looked up at him again " Javier?"
" Yes"
" I....." say it, just say it " I....." damn, I can't say it. I love you Javier. But I just can't say it. He looked down at me, smiling, eyes wet from tears.
" I love you too" he said. He kissed me. Right there in the Ralph's parking lot.