AJRMAN
Momma's Boy
This week hasn't been good for me. I received another session of the gamma rays, and I feel sick today. I haven't left the house in two days, and I feel weak. The doctor said this was some of the side effects of the treatments. I think back last week, when I went to the Bathhouse. How alive I felt. Today however, I feel totally dead. The only foods I've been eating is cereal. All I drink are fruit juices and water. I think I've lost weight. At least something good is coming out of this. I'm not as weak today as I was yesterday, so I'm hoping this situation isn't permanent.
Javier has stopped calling me. Which is fine. At least he doesn't have to see me like this. I feel so alone. Probably because I am alone.
"Hello, Mom?" my voice trembled. I love my Mom. When I think about her, I have an overwhelming feeling to cry. Thinking back at all the things she has done for me. I'm her baby. She spoke back to me in her broken English.
" Everything okay? "
" Yeah, uh... No, everything is NOT right "
" Huh?" she said. My Mom didn't understand English that well either.
" Everything is NOT right " I repeated.
" What you mean?"
" I have throat cancer, Mom "
" What! What you mean, throat cancer?"
" I have throat cancer. Cancer in my throat. " It's times like these, that frustrate me that I don't speak Japanese, or that she has limited understanding of English. But it brought a smile to my face, thinking how comical it will be to explain my situation to a person who doesn't speak my language. I'm laughing to her on the phone, which is confusing her.
" What? You joking?"
" No, Mom, I do have cancer. In my throat. Probably from smoking."
" See, I told you. Never smoke I say. But you never listen."
" Uhhh.....Mom....you smoke "
" Are you okay?" She ignored my comment.
" Yeah, except for the CANCER in my THROAT " I broke into laughter again. Why am I going crazy right now? Why am I starting to cry?
" You see a doctor?"
" Yes Mom, I have. He's doing radiation therapy, with Gamma rays "
" What? Therapy"
" Yes therapy. To make it go away."
" Why you no tell me before? Maybe I should come there."
" No Mom. I'm okay. It's not that bad " I do love my Mom, but having her here would be too much. Plus I want to be alone during this.
" No " she said " Maybe I do go down there. Here let me get Dad "
" NO! " I quickly yelled into the phone. " I don't want to speak to him. Please Mom I'll be fine, it's almost gone anyway " I'm lying of course.
" What? What you say?"
" The CANCER is almost GONE. No more CANCER. Cancer go sayonara " I laughed again, and heard my Mom chuckle on her end. Like all my conversations with my Mom, I only have enough strength to talk for a few moments. Repeating and repeating my words gets tiresome. But it isn't her fault.
" You have to go hospital?"
" No, I go for treatments, and then I go home." she again didn't get what I just said and I repeated it. We talked for a few more minutes, and then I told her I was getting tired. That I needed my rest. She let me go. I think it's a mistake that I called her. Because in a few minutes my sister Janice will be calling me. At least I can tell her the actual situation, and she can relay that message to everyone else. Calling my Mother was supposed to be cathartic for me, but now I think I just dug myself into a hole. I wonder how many more relatives will be calling me today. Great.