AJRMAN
Bath House
I'm numb right now. I thought I would do something I've never done before, and I did exactly that. I went to a bath house tonight. I've never been before. I remembered an ex-coworker telling me where he used to go. It's in the valley and only took me twenty minutes to get there. I walked in, paid for my membership and entered the hallway. There were guys cruising down the "strip", checking and touching each other. They looked at me, and I held my gaze low. Embarrassed as to why I was here. I found an empty room, took off my clothes and wrapped a white towel around my waist. From the stories my friend told, this was how you played the game. I stayed in the room, and moments later the door opened. In walked a man. Chubby, a little taller than me, with a goatee. Okay looking by my standards.
" Hello " he said, looking me up and down. I was so nervous, and I felt so alive.
" Hi " I said, waving my hand. I'm a moron. But I'm new to this. He closed the door behind him, and walked towards me. He grabbed my arms, feeling them, massaging them. He was obviously into arms. His breathing became more hard, as did the tent he pitched in his towel. He tried to kiss me, but I turned away and he instead kissed my neck. I couldn't bring myself to kiss a total stranger. Maybe in doing so, I wouldn't feel so dirty and trampy. He made his way to my chest, licking it, and made his way back up. He tried to kiss me again. I turned the other way.
" What? You don't kiss? " he said grinning and still breathing hard.
" No." I said still looking the other way. " Is that okay?"
" Yeah. Sure. Whatever. " he still had that grin. It was a nasty grin. No purity to it. It looked sinister and crazy. I think he was on drugs, because his eyes too, held chaos behind them.
" Ah, man. I'm so fucking horny " he started to kiss my neck again. He reached down and pulled my towel off. Even though I was disgusted by what I was doing. The thrill of the sin, still made me excited.
He was a pro at what he did. I've never had the experience this unknown person was giving me. I was dizzy and the room spinned. His touch on my legs and stomach made me want to reach down, pull him up and kiss him. Force my tongue into his mouth and taste him. Taste me, for that matter. I held his head with the palm of my hand. I grabbed his hair and pulled his head back. He looked up at me, smiling. That crazy smile. He licked his lips. I looked into his eyes again. Nothing. Nothing there for me. No warmth. Just cold. I pulled him up by his hair. He seemed to enjoy being played rough with. I held his face in both hands and kissed him.
I kissed him hard. He tasted sour. He smelled of sweat. I motioned us towards the cheap bed, and we plopped down onto it. He fell on top of me, and his weight pinned me down. He covered me with his body and it felt good to be connected. It felt good to feel. It felt good to touch and be touched. It felt good to be alive. This hyped up, loser, dope fiend has made me feel so alive. Tonight is what matters, not tomorrow. This is what matters. Not love, not emotions, not words. This cheap thrill is making me high.
We kept kissing hard. He got up, sat on top of me, and removed his towel. He looked down at me. Tongue still licking his lips. Sweat dripping off his chin. I lay there as he positioned himself on me. He was here for me. To please me. If only he knew, that a dying man was about to fuck him. That thought caused me to grin, and I'm sure it too was crazy. I felt crazy. Maybe the radiation treatment side effects have kicked in. Maybe I'm turning green, and becoming the Incredible Hulk.
He started to move his body up and down slowly. This motion became faster. He reminded me of a Jockey on a horse, and I grinned again.
" What's so funny " he was out of breath.
" Nothing. Don't talk " I closed my eyes and thought of Javier. Holding Javier. Kissing Javier. I thought of the life I could of had with him, if God didn't ruin it for me. I had always thought God didn't want me to be gay. I assumed his gift of cancer to me was his way of making sure I stayed pure. That I wouldn't want or need anyone. I was angry at God. I wasn't going to let him win. If I'm to die, I will die without my purity and innocence. I don't give a fuck if I go to hell. Hell has been with me my whole life. I'm living, breathing, and swimming in Hell. What did I have to live for anyway? It was Javier's good and persistent nature that allowed us to meet in the first place. I know for sure, that will never happen again. Javier will never happen again. I pushed Javier away. Pushed him hard.
He kept riding me. His breath coming in short gasps. He made this low growl, which turned into a louder growl. He continued the growling which was a bit of a turn on. His face clenched and his teeth showed like an animal. I was getting close too. He worked himself, as he continued his imaginary horse race.
Afterwards, we just laid on the bed. Not saying a word. Sweating. He put his head on my chest, and I held him. I didn't feel anything for him. I held him for his sake. Because he needed to be held. I thanked him when he got up. He found a clean towel, and wrapped it around his waist. The look on his face was one of exhaustion. The high he was on was spent on me. His eyes now held the warmth that I looked for earlier. His grin, no longer crazy, had a boyish charm. He lazily saluted me as he opened the door and went back into the hallway.
I was exhausted too. I stared at the ceiling. The door opened again. But I let that person know I was leaving soon. This has to be the craziest thing I have ever done in my life. The feeling of embarrassment soon washed over me again. I quickly cleaned off, and got dressed. I held my head low as I entered the cruising area and exited the place.
When I returned home, I took a long shower. I scrubbed my body raw, trying to get the drug fiend smell off of me. I felt so dirty and ashamed. But I also felt tingles throughout my body. Electricity. My heart still raced at the thought of what I just did. I felt like a little boy. Innocent. Naive. I'm a tramp now. No longer pure. But for some odd reason, I don't give a shit. Fuck God! Fuck Javier! Fuck this cancer! Fuck everybody! I don't need anybody. I'm numb right now.