Poor Baby Seal

CHAPTER 5

Poor Baby Seal

The room is cold. I lay here alone with goose bumps. The Nurse said she'd be back with the doctor in a few minutes, but it seems to have been an hour. Today is my first treatment. Radiation therapy. Throat cancer. These are words I thought I would never have to understand. It's weird where life takes you. One day you're in love with a great guy. The next day you get throat cancer, become an Ass to your boyfriend, and make him leave.

Finally the Nurse returned with the Doctor and a technician. They brought the "Radiation" machine over. From what the Doctor said it's going to emit gamma rays into my neck and kill the cancer. Gamma rays. Reminds me of the Incredible Hulk. Maybe I'll turn green, and get really huge muscles. The Doctor also said some more things about the treatment, but it went in one ear and out the other. Bye, bye big words. Why do they over explain things? Like, I'm going to understand? Just fix me, God Dammit!!

I left the hospital and took a cab home. I wasn't sure how I would be feeling. The Doctor said the side effects wouldn't be that bad. No vomiting, no diaherra, just some tiredness. So basically I could of driven here. I wish he'd have told me these things at the start. Maybe he did, and the words again went Bye, Bye.

I miss Javier. He called on Valentines day and left a message, and he called again today. Why did I fuck him over like that? I want to call him and hold him and kiss him. But that's how I feel today. It wouldn't be fair for him if I suddenly changed my mind again. I'm such an idiot. But I think I've always known that. Instead of predicting my future negatively, I should have made it more positive.

I wish I could call David. It's painful to me that I have nobody here. No friends, no family, and no boyfriend. I'm all alone, all alone. Alone am I. I am alone. Who's alone? I am. Well I do have this cancer in my throat. Maybe I should name it, and befriend it. IT doesn't want to leave me. Ah, what a good friend my lil' cancer is. Always there for me. Tell me your secrets dear friend. Ah, how nice your are. It's just too bad I want to kill the fuck out of you. You little fucker!

Today I saw that Coke commercial. The one with the CG animated polar bears. The baby bear loses it's ball in the water, but then a cute seal gives it back to him. The young bear then offers him the coke. That's cute, but this is how I made it evil. Wouldn't it be funny if while the seal is drinking the coke, a killer whale comes out of the water and gulps it down, and silently disappears underneath the water again? Leaving the stunned bear looking at his Momma? Anyway, thinking this perverted thought, left me laughing out loud.

I have five weeks off. What should I do? I don't feel tired, and I'm angry that I'm dying. I'm alone, and I have no friends. What can a guy like me do, in a situation like this? Maybe I should start doing things that I normally wouldn't do. If I die, I don't want to die with regrets. Okay, come on think. What have I never done before. Think...........okay, think harder..........wow, this is hard.

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