AJRMAN
The Morning After ll
The morning of the funeral Javier woke up with a smile on his face. He seemed to think everything was right with the world. But as his eyes adjusted I could see the fantasy fade away. His eyes watered, and he grabbed his pillow to sob into it silently. He didn't know I was already awake. He was facing me with his head in his pillow. I looked at him, and put my arm across him. Trying hard, for me anyway, to comfort him. It's times like these, when I think I'm dead inside. I act how I feel I SHOULD act, not like I want to act. I do want to comfort him, but I can't. So I do what I've seen other people do, which always feels fake. I'm afraid one day someone will find out how heartless I really am. I'm the Tin Man, born without a heart. Maybe I should walk down that yellow brick road, and find it. Someday.
The funeral was very casual. No screaming relatives, throwing themselves on the casket. Everyone was calm. Barbara sat in the front, dressed in black. I chose to seat myself near the back, explaining to Javier the front should only be reserved for immediate family. I watched as he consoled his Mother, and Sister. He is a good Son.
After the funeral, some relatives went to Barbara's home. I really don't feel like I belong here. I see people I don't know look at me, and then whisper to the person they're talking too. I know it's about me and Javier. Even at a time like this, people still will gossip. I decided to go out back and sit on Barbara's matching patio furniture. Very nice.
"There you are guy" Javier opened the screen door and stepped outside.
" Hey. Sorry, I just wanted to be alone"
"Oh, okay. I'll go back in" He headed for the door.
"No, no, no, I don't mean I wanted to be "Alone" alone. Ahh you know what I mean"
" Yeah I do. What are you thinking about?" He sat down in the chair across from me.
"Nothing." It's always about me isn't it? Always about me. "Javier...How're you doin'?"
"I'm doin' okay. I don't think I can cry anymore, that's for sure. I feel drained." I nodded to him. Then there was the silence. As if we didn't know what to say to each other. We just sat there on the patio. Javier playing with the fallen leaves that were on the table. Gently tearing them in pieces. Me, feeling the wind on my face, and watching the clouds in the sky. The silence changed somehow. From being uncomfortable, to being.......well, just being. Nothing. I realized then that I was really comfortable with Javier, and he with me. We both didn't need to talk. We just wanted to know the other person was there. It was a nice feeling.
Around five o'clock, everyone left. Just Barbara, Javier, and myself. The same as the night before. Drinking coffee. At nine o'clock, Barbara retired to bed. She gave Javier a kiss, and gave me a hug. Poor woman. It was just Javier and me now. Sipping our coffees.
" How're you doin'?" I broke the silence.
"I'm doin' okay. How you doin'?"
" I'm okay. How're you doin'?" I started to smile, and so did he.
"Okay" He said " How're you doin'?"
" Okay. Now is the time to stop " Silence again.
" Javier?" I broke the silence again " Are you....are you....happy?"
" Well, my Dad just died, so uhhh....no " He had a smirk on his face. I got the joke. It's nice we can find some humor still.
" You know what I mean" I said.
"Yeah, I know what you mean. Yeah, I'm happy. But....not with how things are gonna be"
" I know." Silence again.
We both went upstairs to his old room. Got into bed, and went to sleep.