AJRMAN
A Proposal
My following days in New York consisted of Javier giving me a tour of his old neighborhood. Although Javier insisted we visit the tourist sights like the Statue of Liberty, or Ground Zero, I just wanted to get to know Javier's past. At each location of his past, he would give me a brief history of it. It was fun. Javier DID seem at home here. Which made me start thinking of our future.
I can't move here. That's for sure. I want to be near MY family too. Especially since my parent's are now getting a divorce. It seems my Father tried to run my Mother over with the vacuum cleaner. I think she's had it with pretending this marriage will last. She's finally come to terms with my Father's secret life in the Philippines. She's now ready to move on. Which is good. I'm not sad about their divorce. It has been a long time coming. Anyway......
I don't want to move here, which has me thinking about my future with Javier. He's going to LIVE here FOREVER. I know it. I could try to pretend that he won't, by staying in his house, to "take care" of it for him. But like my Mother had to do. I need to face the facts. In two days I go back to California. It makes my last days here with Javier, the more depressing.
Javier kept asking throughout the day "Are you okay?", and I kept replying " Yeah, I'm fine". I hope he's not dumb enough to NOT read between the lines. OR I could maybe not be such a chicken shit, and tell him what I've been thinking about. But I AM a chicken, and I'm full of SHIT. That's me. Love me or hate me.
We've been going out now for six months. In "Gay" years, isn't that about five years? Anyway, it's all going to end soon. My life is so crappy. Crappy, crappy, crappy. What's that smell? It's my life.
We ended up back at Javier's Mom's house. We sat in the backyard patio.
"Seriously guy, what's wrong with you?"
"Nothin'" I said, but he gave me a look as if he didn't believe me. So I confirmed it again.
"Seriously Javier. I'm fine" He still didn't believe me.
" You know what Mr. Ajrman? I have a great idea" He looked at me with that sexy grin of his. He paused for a moment, as if embarrassed to go on.
"Ah, what the hell" he said as he got up from the chair, walked around the table to me and got down on one knee. I thought for a moment that he was going to tie my shoes. Which confused me. But when he looked up at me, and grabbed my hand, I knew exactly what he was going to do. I felt sick. I wasn't giggly girl excited sick, I was sick sick. I didn't want him to do it. It's so...um...duhhh.........it's so gay. That's what it was. So gay. I really AM the woman aren't I? Why else would I be proposed TO? I'm so gay.
" We've been going out a long time now..." This is how he started, and that is all I remember. I had tunnel vision, of just his head. No words coming out of his mouth, and he seemed to be talking in slow motion. Smiling occasionally. In slow motion again, I viewed the patio door, which entered the kitchen, which led to the hallway, which led to the living room, which led to the front door, which led to the street, which led to me yelling for a taxi, and taking my ass back home on the first flight out to Los Angeles. The last thing I heard, as my focus came crashing back into reality was,
" So.....will you marry me?" He still held my hand in his. Looking at me with a questioning smile.
" Uhhh...." I responded " Uhhh......will I marry you " I looked up at the sky, pondering this question.
" Yeah, will you marry me?" He asked again, looking at me sideways, squinting his eyes suspiciously.
" Hmmm.....uhhhh.....ummmm......" I rubbed my free hand on my face. My chest didn't feel to well. It felt like I had indigestion. I think I'm going to throw up. A little vomit creeped up, but sad to admit, I swallowed it back down. The heartburn was passing. Now, I could just pretend I didn't hear what he said. Or I could say "Yes". Or I could.......I have no idea. What do I do? What do I do?
"Are you kidding me here, guy? I just fuckin' proposed to you here, and you're actin' like I just asked you to eat my shit. What's going on?"
Oh Javier, I thought, if it was only as simple as eating your shit. Why am I trying to make myself laugh right now?
" I know, I know. I'm sorry Javier, I'm sorry. This is all a lil' sudden. Plus I'm a little freaked out that a guy just proposed to me"
" Because it's so "Queer"? Well......uhhh.......you ARE queer. You like getting fucked by guys. You're a big bottom. You're the "Girl" in this relationship. Do ya hear me, guy?" Gee, Javier, you don't have to get so mad. But the way he said it, made me laugh.
" You think this is funny?" He got up and started to walk back to the house.
" No, no. Come back. It was funny. What you said. I'm laughin' at that." Ahhh what a cute guy. He's pouting now. I told him I really needed to think about it. I told him I would tell him tomorrow. But that night when I laid in bed alone. I again thought of the problems we would have with a long distance relationship. As I turned on my side, I thought of his proposal. I was just proposed to, today. I grabbed my pillow, covered my mouth with it, and giggled. God damn it!! I AM the GIRL!!