AJRMAN
Meet My Family? part two
On July 4th, Javier and I drove to see my family. As we entered the street where my sister Janice lived, I again reminded him of the rules.
1. Don't hug me.
2. Don't stare longingly at me.
3. Don't touch me, or any part of me.
4. Don't say anything gay i.e. fierce, girlfriend, no you didn't, and fabulous.
5. We can't wear our engagement rings
6. Remember we are FRIENDS here.
We stood outside of the door. I took a deep breath and rang the door bell. Janice opened the door.
" Hey" She said smiling through the screen door. Javier put his arm around my should, smiled at my sister, held out his hand and said,
" Hi, I'm Javier, your brother's boyfriend " My jaw dropped. I was speechless. I felt diaherra proned. I felt like running away. I felt like beating Javier. I felt like killing myself. Laughing, my sister held out her hand to shake Javier's.
" Hi Javier, I'm Janice." I know she was trying to make eye contact with me, but I stared at the bush that grew outside her door. She backed away from the entrance to let us enter. Inside was my other sister Stacy sitting on the couch. At the dining room table was my mother Toyoko, and my brother in law Tom. All were quiet. They heard everything. Javier and I stood near the front door. Javier went to each one and introduced himself. I stayed close to the door. After he shook everyone's hand, they all just stared at me with grins on their faces. Javier stood in the middle of the living room.
" See, honey " He said with his hands on his hips. " That wasn't so bad now. Was it, guy?" I gave him a look. The most evil look I could conjure. I imagined knives coming out and impaling him. I wanted to blow him up from my stare. We all kept silent for awhile. Javier decided to break the silence.
" And just to let you know, we're gettin' married " he reached into his pocket, pulled out his ring and put it on. My heart pounded so hard. It's weird how you can feel so alone, being in the same room as your own family. Javier approached me, put his arm around my shoulders again.
" Come on, sweetie pie, show em' your ring " He was all smiles. He didn't expect what came next.
When I hit his stomach with my elbow, he doubled over. I heard the air in his lungs escape his mouth. He fell to one knee, holding himself up with one arm. The other arm was holding his stomach. I grabbed his arm, and lifted him up.
" We'll be right back " I said. I opened the screen door, and dragged him outside. With a grin on his face he turned to my family and said,
" If I don't see you again, it was nice meeting you " He tried to wave goodbye, but I tugged him out the door. I walked in front of him, looking for a place to talk. When I was far enough away from my family, I turned around to face him.
" What the fuck are you doing " I whispered loudly.
" Come on, guy. I can't play the game. I'm gay. I'm not ashamed of it. "
" Well, that's good for you Javier, but I'm different. I can't believe you did that. "
" I would say I'm sorry, but I'm not. You got to be truthful with your family, guy. "
" But you took it into your hands. You had no right to do that. You know how uncomfortable I am now? "
" I know, I know. You're so conservative. You have to loosen up. They were smiling. They thought it was funny. "
" We had a plan Javier. We had rules."
" No, YOU had rules. I'm not going to lie for you. I'm with you. You're with me. Who the fuck cares what anyone thinks? When we leave here, we leave them behind. We have our own lives. Plus, you said you came out to your Father. What makes you think he hasn't told anyone?"
He's right. I did tell my Father. But I did so out of anger. I expected everyone to know then. But each visit I've made since then, no one has said anything to me. What difference does it make? They know now. Javier kept talking. Trying to make me smile. Trying to comfort me.
My family must know about me. It shouldn't be a shock. They haven't asked if I had a girlfriend, for years. Plus I never say I have a girlfriend. Maybe they don't care. But the thought of being rejected by my family scares me. I'd be alone.
We walked back to the house. Javier kept trying to put his arm around me, and I kept taking his arm off me. He kept laughing, and grabbing his stomach. I guess I hit him pretty hard. Which made me smile.
Before we entered the house I reached into my pocket and pulled out the ring. I put it on my finger, took a deep breath again, and entered the house. Inside, everyone was still smiling. Nervous smiling. Stacy started the conversation, by asking where we met. There were some more questions. But no one actually made a big deal out of it. All these years they DID know. I think my cancer may have made them not care as much. Being alive and happy is better than being dead. My Niece joined us later. She had been napping. She's three years old. Her name is Monique. She has our Asian features, but with blonde hair and hazel eyes. She's beautiful. During the day Javier played games with her. When it came down to cook the hamburgers, Javier helped my brother in law cook. It was weird being inside with the "girls", while the men cooked. Watching Javier with a beer in hand, talking and joking with Tom, made me comfortable for the first time. It made me feel normal.
" He's cute " Janice said.
" Shut up " I said smiling. I prayed the conversation wouldn't lead to sex talk. I think everyone is always interested in knowing about gay sex.
" So, are you going to tell Dad?" she said.
" He already knows. I e-mailed him. I said his son's a faggot, a faggoty ass faggot." She laughed. My Father was not invited to this dinner. After the incident with him trying to mow down my Mother with the vacuum cleaner, my Mother moved in with Janice. My parent's are getting a divorce. Now my Father stays home alone, drinking. I feel sorry for him. He has nobody.
At dinner, Javier still tried to put his arm around me. But I always got out of the way. At one point he used both arms to grab me. He kissed me on the cheek, while I made like I was disgusted. Monique laughed. He turned towards her and did the same thing. She screamed out in mock terror, then laughed. I was still uncomfortable about the situation, but it was getting better. I admired Javier. To just be himself. No matter the consequences. Must feel safe, and free to be him.
After dinner, Javier and I took my Mother to the casinos. It was busy. My Mother and I played the slots, while Javier played cards. My Mother never mentioned me being gay. It was like I always was. This was nice. This has been a nice day.
On the way back to Los Angeles, Javier slept. I kept looking at him while I drove. This is me driving home with my Boyfriend. This is us driving to our home.