AJRMAN
What's Wrong With Me?
I sit here looking at my dirty apartment. I haven't worked out in weeks. I'm getting fat. I'm tired all the time, and I'm eating nothing but junk food. It's weird, for a time I had what I always wanted. It was so easy for me to let it go though. Why? What's wrong with me. I was connected to someone. Someone wanted to know me. Someone wanted to be a part of me. But again, it was so easy for me to let that go.
Javier never did call. I don't blame him. I'm an asshole. But I know that. I'm a whiner. I think I'm one of those people who can't BE happy. Or maybe I'm happy when I'm sad. Then I will always have something to complain about. Drama, drama, drama. It rules my life.
Is it because I'm gay? Is it because I think being gay is wrong? Is it because I don't think I deserve happiness, because I'm gay? I wouldn't write those questions, if I didn't think they were true.
As always, a relationship is desirable only in my head. Having it in real life is another story though. I want someone to come home too. I want someone to cook for. I want someone to love. I want someone to know. But the reality of that scares the shit out of me. That's probably why I sabotage anything that will make me happy. Why does it scare me?
I know that I like being alone. I like sleeping by myself, I like having my own bathroom. I like watching what I want to watch on the TV I like eating what I like to eat. I like the silence in my home. I like the stillness. I like coming and going as I please. Maybe I'm not meant to have a relationship. Maybe I'm not built to be in one either. I've said before jokingly, that I don't have a heart. But I think it may be actually true.
Where does that leave me. What does an unfeeling, frigid person do with his life? Wanting to be with someone is a natural and normal feeling. But how fair will it be for the person I'm with? I'll treat them the same. Shitty.
I thought when I went into remission with my Cancer, I would have a different outlook on life. But I didn't. I'm still the same person. Did God give me a second chance? Am I wasting it? Obviously if I don't live my life to it's fullest, I would be wasting it. But it's such a pain to try. It's such a chore. It's easier to sit on my couch, eating ding dongs, while watching cartoons. It's easier ordering a pizza, or Chinese food, rather than venturing out into the world. Am I depressed?
Teresa has called me several times. But since my leg isn't broken anymore, I don't need her as much. I'm a user. I'm a Bastard. I'm an Asshole. I know. This isn't news to me.
The sad part of this entry is that I'm thinking all this when I should be getting ready for my date with Jeff from Gay.Com. He's old. But he looks like Gil Gerard from the old eighties television series Buck Rogers in the 25th century. So we'll see how it goes.
Poor Buck Rogers, he doesn't even know what's in store for him
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