AJRMAN
Why I hate kids
Teresa met me in the parking lot at her school.
" I'm so fucking nervous " I reached into my jacket pocket and pulled out my pack of cigarettes. I took one out, lit it and took a long stress release drag.
" Don't be so nervous. This is easy. Just tell them about your job and your responsibilities. Try to tie in how important an education is, in doing your job." She fixed the collar on my shirt as I exhaled smoke in her face.
" You lil' shit" she said fanning her face with her hand. " Don't do that. I can't smell like smoke. I'm the fucking teacher "
" Will 'Fucking' be the new word to teach today?"
" Ha Ha. "
" Who else will be speaking?"
" Well, we have an Account Executive, a Nurse, and a Lawyer. Then there's you."
" How pathetic will I be? Next to those people. ' Hi, I'm a restaurant manager. I couldn't make it in college and I partied too much and wasted my life. So I settled on this. Lesson for today kids. It's okay to settle' Ah man, I'm gonna bomb." I took another drag. I'm nervous, I think I'm going to throw up. Just calm down, guy. Whoa, did I just say 'Guy'? Javier is rubbing off on me. Which doesn't suprise me because he's always rubbing ON me. I don't think it's right I'm having sexual thoughts now about Javier. Especially since I'm going to be speaking in to a room full of eight year olds. Think pure, think pure. Bunnies, lollipops, and butterflies.
" You won't bomb " Teresa stood back, folded her arms across her chest and looked me up and down. " You look nice. Very 'Gap' "
" Thanks, but it's actually 'Banana Republic' "
" Whatever. We're running late " We talked as we entered the school. We walked the hallway, I could her the echo her heels made on the tiled floor. It was very ominous. I felt like I was in a prison walking on death row to my doom. Dead man walking. Dead man walking. We reached her classroom. Room A5. She opened the door.
The room was filled with the cutest little kids. All facing the front, and all smiling. How cute. The children, because this was a private school, all wore uniforms. It was darling. This will be a piece of cake.
The first to speak was the Account Executive. Boring. The second to speak was the Lawyer. He was handsome and had a nice ass. I glanced over to Teresa, we made eye contact. With my eyebrows raised I mouthed silently "Hot". She mouthed back " I know ". We were both enthralled by his presentation. At the end of his speech, I think I was a bit overzealous with my applause. The Nurse was next. It was a guy. Obviously gay, in his tight black T-shirt, white Levi jeans, and spiky hair. He was obviously an Uncle to one of the students, because he repeatedly said "My niece" and pointed to her through out his speech. I glanced to the audience to try to find her, and she was easy to spot. She was the girl looking away in embarrassment, hiding behind a book. The guy was funny, and flamboyant. The kids loved him, laughing at his jokes. His niece soon put her book down, and beamed proud at her gay uncle.
I was the last one to speak. I stood there in front of a sea of faces and eyes. Everyone was staring at me. I looked at Teresa, and she mouthed " Do it". So I did. My throat was so dry. I could feel my armpits sweating. But three minutes into it, I felt better and became more relaxed. I spoke about my restaurant experience. Joked about bad tippers, and mean customers. I also tied in the importance of an education. Especially math, because I use it everyday. Although actual details of my speech are blurred in my memory, I do remember feeling the words flow out of my mouth. I enjoyed hearing the laughter from the students. These are some nice kids. At the end of my presentation, there was a Q and A session. A boy in the back raised his hand.
" Jimbo." Teresa said, letting the boy know she saw him, and permitting him to ask the question.
" Mr. Ajrman " how cute, he's calling me ' Mr. ' " Did you always want to be a Manager?"
" No, actually I wanted to be a Teacher or an Accountant. I like numbers. " another child raised her hand. This was the niece of the Nurse.
" Are you from Arizona? " What kind of question was that?
" No. I'm from San Diego " I stared at her with a confused look on my face " Why do you ask?"
" Because you have the same accent as my Uncle, and he's from Arizona " I nearly snapped my neck turning to look at Teresa. She sat there with her hand over her mouth trying to cover up her smile. The other Presenters, especially the Gay Nurse, also held back their giggles.
" Hmm " I said, looking at the girl again " That's weird, isn't it? " she began to open her mouth to ask another question. She would never get there.
" Next question " I yelled, and the classroom jumped. This caused Teresa and the other adults to chuckle even louder. A little red haired girl held her hand up. I pointed to her, and she spoke.
" Are you gay?" she said this so innocently and softly, but it still slammed into me hard. The kids in the classroom giggled nervously. I could see the adults leaning forward in their chairs to hear my answer.
" Yes, little red head girl, I am. " Today I came out to a group of eight year olds. As with the Gay Nurse's niece, I cut the little red headed girls next question with,
" Who's next?" I had a grin on my face which let the kids know I was joking, which allowed them to laugh when I cut her off so quick. But I wasn't joking, I was nervous as hell. The child who raised his hand next was named Albert. Cute little chubby Albert. How could he cause me any harm.
" Mr. Ajrman " Ahh, he's so cute. His plump face and rosy cheeks.
" What's your question, Albert" I said this so sweetly, to this angel. Cute little angel.
" Umm" he started " When did your hair start going bald?" this fucking fat bastard is going to get it. Luckily Teresa stepped in, told Albert that was rude, and had the room give me an applause. I graciously accepted. I sat next to the Gay Nurse utterly humiliated. He put his hand on my back and rubbed it. It wasn't a sexual thing, he was being understanding. But when I looked at him, I could tell he was holding back the chuckles. Thinking about, I started to grin too.
Later, Teresa walked me to my car. I lit another cigarette, and blew it in her face again.
" What the fuck?" she said, again fanning her face.
" You deserve it." I was smiling, so she knew I wasn't mad. " You evil bitch. You could've stopped it way earlier "
" I know. But what's the fun in that?" Evil, evil bitch, that Teresa is. But I like her anyway.