AJRMAN
Bump in the night
"What's this? You have a bump here " Javier said looking at my neck. We we're making out. Why did he have to spoil the mood.
" I know. It's my glands. I think I may be coming down with a cold. Do you wanna stop, or do you wanna catch it?" I teasingly bit his lower lip.
" This isn't your glands. Your glands are here" he pointed to where they were on my neck. "Does it hurt?"
" Not much. But my throat gets sore." He's starting to scare me. " Hold on, let me look at it." I got up from the bed and made my way to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror. I noticed the bump two months ago. But now it seems to of gotten bigger. What if it's cancer? But I always think I have cancer. According to my history of hypochondria, I've had cancer for the past twelve years.
" It's nothing I tell ya." I hopped into bed and snuggled close to Javier.
" I think you should check it out." He wrapped an arm around me. " I'll go with you. You have insurance?"
" Yes, I do. But I'm sure it's nothing."
" I'm sure it's nothing too. But it won't hurt to find out. So will you go?" I was silent " Will you?" he asked again.
" Yes, yes, I'll go. Now can we please finish what we started? " I lifted the blanket up and made my way down Javier's stomach. Kissing everything on the way.
Fast forward a week.
Javier and I entered the Doctors office. I went in the examination room while Javier stayed in the waiting area. The nurse behind the desk kept flirting with him. It made him embarrassed. He looks so cute when he's embarrassed. The doctor was older, maybe about fifty. He was in good shape and still attractive. He had me disrobe, and offered me the butt showing hospital gown. But I had underwear on, so it wasn't that bad. Plus I've been working out and my arms looked huge in the sleeves of the gown. The doctor wasn't gay, so I wasn't going to waste my time flirting.
He had me sit on the table. He checked my throat with......the throat thingy. He ran his hands down my neck. They stopped at the bump in my neck. He had me move my head from side to side, front to back. Blah, blah, blah. He examined me. He asked me questions, examined me some more. Then left the room. I dangled my socked feet like a child, swaying my legs, making them crisscross each other. He must have been gone for about ten minutes. He finally returned with a smile on his face. See, nothing wrong. I'm as healthy as can be.
" I'll need you to stay a bit. We need to run some tests." My heart caught in my throat.
" Is everything okay?" There was a tremor in my voice.
" We need to run some tests. So, stay here and a nurse will be in to draw some blood from you." Umm......did anyone notice he avoided my question? The Nurse came in, sparked a conversation with me while drawing my blood. I asked if my friend could come in and join me because I was bored. She politely said "No". She withdrew what she needed, and informed me the doctor would be back. Forty five minutes later he showed up.
" Is everything okay?" I asked again, praying he wouldn't ignore the question.
" The bump on your neck is not your glands. Your glands are actually located, here and here" I know where my fucking glands are. Get to the God damn point.
" I know where they are " I said shaking my head up and down.
The Doctor wanted me to come back in two days. He wanted to make a small incision and remove the bump. When the doctor left, I slowly dressed myself. I felt like I was dying. I felt broken. I kept telling myself "Nothing has been proven yet" But it wasn't helping. I still felt a numbing sadness brewing within me. I ventured out to the waiting area. Javier got up from his seat, and came over to me.
" Is everything okay?" He asked.
" He has to remove the bump. I have to make an appointment." I walked past Javier, still in a daze and went to the receptionist. Her demeanor now was not flirtatious as it was before. She still smiled at me, but had a sadness behind her eyes. I made my appointment.
Fast forward a week.
It's February. Next week is Valentines Day. I have a boyfriend. I am fucking sad. The hospital did those tests and I went to see the doctor today. I didn't tell Javier because I knew the news would be bad. I didn't want to have to fake like I'm okay, to make him feel better. I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I wanted to be selfish and be mad if I wanted to. It turns out I have Hypo pharynx, and I'm in Stage 2. This means the cancer has spread to my lymph nodes. My option for treatment is Radiation therapy. I start next week, Valentines week.
Javier called and left five messages on my machine. He left messages on my cell phone. He e-mailed me six messages. I didn't want to talk to him. I want to be left alone. Curled up in my bed. What do I do now? I'm dying. How do I tell my family? How do I tell Javier? I wished I never met him. This burden of consoling people with the news of MY demise, is making me angry.
I think of just laying here till I die. No treatment, no nothing. Just lay here. Die here. I cry in my bed, and I fall asleep. The phone rings but I never pick it up. Go away Javier please, go away.