AJRMAN
Am I Jesus?
Tomorrow is Valentines day. The day after that, I start my treatment. I informed my General Manager at work about my situation. I have a few weeks of sick leave plus my vacations, which total five weeks off. Until I know how bad I'll be with the treatments, I don't want to work.
I never told Javier of my situation. I pretended to be the same old person. He was excited about tomorrow. This would be the first time I'd have a boyfriend on Valentines day. I told him that, so he is planning a very special Day. I'll be seeing him tonight, and he'll be sleeping over. He's a really nice guy. Why am I starting to hate him? I think it's because he has his whole life ahead of him? Or because I can't tell him I'm sick? Or because I feel guilty that he has to be with someone who is broken. Do I think he'll leave me if he finds out? I don't think he would. But I would hate for him to resent me.
What if I do die? My last days with him would not be as romantic as it would be in the movies. He'd be bathing me, cleaning me, feeding me, dressing me, and wiping my ass when I shit. What will he think of me when I'm vomiting next week because of the therapy. What will he think when I lose all my hair. What will he think when I'm not so attractive to him anymore. I'm broken. I can feel my life slipping away. Slipping off into nothingness. Not Heaven, just nothingness.
I used to think I was the next Jesus. Because I thought God didn't want me to be gay or straight. So he made sure I wasn't attracted to women. To be sure guys weren't attracted to me, He gave me no confidence and no good looks. He wanted to make sure no one wanted me, so I would be pure. I laugh now thinking about it. But now it seems to be true. Not the Jesus part, but the part about God not wanting me to be gay. Maybe I'll go to hell. Or maybe this is my hell.
I'm still smoking. You'd think I would quit, since it's THROAT cancer that I have. But that would be hypocritical of me. God's not going to heal me because I quit, and the cancer won't go away because of it either. So why bother. Why fucking bother? Why fucking bother with anything? Javier will be here in two hours. It's weird I want to see him so bad, and I also don't want to see him. I'm going to take a nap.