AJRMAN
Valentines Day
Javier came to my apartment at 11:00pm. I suggested that he spend the night so we could get started early tomorrow, which is Valentines day. In fact, it will be just one hour till Valentines day. My first with a boyfriend. I should be happy, but I'm not. He gave me a long deep kiss when I opened the door to let him in.
" You okay, guy?" he asked holding me close.
" Yeah, I'm fine " I gave him a smile. I didn't feel like smiling though. This is what I mean. If I tell him I have cancer, he'll constantly be worrying about me. I don't want this. I don't want him. No, that's a lie. I do want him. But I don't want to need him. I'm afraid I'll need him, and when I really am sick, he'll want to leave. I'm not saying he'll leave me, I don't think that's how he is. But I'm sure he'll WANT to leave. I would feel too guilty.
" Tomorrow is going to be so great, guy. I promise. " the grin on his face broke my heart. He has so much hope in his eyes.
" I can't wait." I looked into his eyes, studying them. " You're a good guy Javier. I hope you know that?" I gave a fake smile and kissed him. " I'm glad we're friends" I felt his back tense when I said it.
" Friends, huh?" He separated himself from me. He had a confused look on his face. " What do you mean by that?" He stepped back from me, and crossed his arms over his chest.
" What?" I said. Pretending not to know what he meant.
" What do you mean we're 'Friends'? "
" We're not friends?" giving him a humored smile.
" What the hell is going on here?" He was starting to get mad. The look of betrayal on his face, makes me ashamed for what I'm doing. But I can't stop.
" What the fuck is your problem Javier? Why are you getting so mad?"
" I'm not getting mad." He quickly calmed down " I thought I was your boyfriend." I cringed when he said it, knowing he saw me do it.
" Ick " I said jokingly, but still trying to hurt him. " Don't say that word. Makes me feel so queer."
" You ARE queer!"
" Why do you want to rush into this? Can't we take it slow? YOU said so yourself, you wanted to take it slow."
" What are you trying to say? You don't want to be with me?" He was breathing harder, and his face was getting red.
" I didn't say that."
" Then what the fuck, ARE you saying?! " He kept distancing himself from me, still holding his arms across his chest. He looked like a child. A wounded child.
" I'm not saying anything. I'm just......I don't know you Javier. We just met a month ago, and... "
" OVER a month ago " he interrupted.
" Okay, OVER a month ago. This is getting too weird for me. You're always here, always calling. I think you want too much from me. I'm not sure that I want the same "
" You....." his eyes started tearing up. " You ASKED me to spend the night! "
" I'm not talking about just tonight. I'm talking about last week and the week before that. Damn GUY, I need some space. " He caught on that I was making fun of him with my use of the word "Guy". He took his right hand and used it to wipe the tears from his eyes. It's amazing how I didn't get emotional. All those years of being a cold hearted asshole has really paid off.
" This is fucking BULLSHIT! You're fucking lying."
" Believe what you want Javier. But I AM being honest with you."
" What the fuck is happening here. Tomorrows fucking Valentines Day, for Christ's sake. Why are you doing this NOW? "
" I don't know. Maybe we should call tomorrow off. Maybe take a break."
"WHAT?! " He moved in to me, and wrapped his arms around me. " What are you doing? " He said as he started to cry. I pulled him off of me, and held him at arms length.
" What the fuck is wrong with you. We've only known each other a month. What? Did you think I was in LOVE with you? Is that what you thought? Because I'm not, Javier. I'm NOT. ONE month. I don't know what you expected, but I can't give it to you." I scolded him like a child. He stood there in shock. I moved away from him and sat on the couch and stared at the blank television screen. He didn't move, he just stood there. This was intense. Much harder than I imagined. He started to sob into his hand. I can't take much more of this.
" Stop crying! Be a fucking man!" I turned to him as he glanced over to me. The look he gave me was pure hatred.
" You're a fucking ASSHOLE!" he said " Maybe I should leave."
" Maybe you should " I picked up the television remote, and switched on the TV.
" Unfucking-believable " he was behind me now. I pretended not to hear him. My heart was pounding so hard in my chest I thought it was going to explode. Leave Javier. Just leave.
He continued to stand behind me. I wondered if he was watching television too. He just kept standing there. With my wild imagination, I thought he was going to kill me. Maybe hit me on the head with a blunt object, or strangle me with a rope. But he didn't. He just stood there. I could feel him staring at me, and I could see his reflection in the television. He finally leaned in, moved his hand under my chin, pulled my head back gently and kissed me on the forehead.
" This is for you " he said tossing the card onto the couch. He left. He didn't slam the door. Or yell expletives outside of my apartment. He just left. Silently.
I looked at the card next to me. I'm sure it was a Valentines day card. I didn't want to open it. But twenty minutes later, I couldn't resist.
" I never thought I'd meet someone like you" This is how it started.
" You make me happy, and you make me laugh. It has been a short time for us, but it feels like forever. It feels like it can be forever. That makes me happy. You make me want to enjoy everything. I want you Mr. Ajrman, I need you Mr. Ajrman. I love you. " he signed it " Mr. Fox"
I sat there reading it over again and again. " I love you" he wrote. He loved me. I was numb. I felt empty. I know I should cry right now, but I couldn't. Cold hearted bitch, am I. My eyes kept focusing on the letter, and the last three words. " I love you". I love you too Mr. Fox.
I looked up at the clock on the wall. 12:01am. It's Valentines day. I cried.