Chapter 8

Chapter 8

I'm An Asshole

Well, Jason decided to drop the charges. When I picked up Javier at the Police station, he was out front waiting for me. I smiled as I approached him. He wasn't smiling back.

" You okay?" I asked, still smiling.

" Yeah I'm fine. This isn't funny, ya know."

" I know. " I said it, letting out a laugh.

" It's NOT funny, guy!" He held his head low as we walked to my car.

" So....are you a bottom now " I again, started to giggle. He pushed me on my shoulder lightly, and I stumbled. I put my arm across his shoulder, and he did the same with mine.

" I don't know what's wrong with me. I never do things like that. I'm not even mad now about it. But when I saw him come out of the bedroom, I just.......I just...... I don't know."

" Javier, you know nothing happened right?"

" Yeah, yeah, I know. It just pissed me off. Gay guys think everything's up for grabs. They think there's no boundaries or rules. It pisses me off. He knows we're together, and he still tries this shit." Javier started to get mad again.

" Don't you think I have control over it too? Do you think I just go with the flow?" I unlocked his side of the door, and held it opened for him as he got in. When I reached my side Javier had already unlocked it.

" That's not what I'm saying" he continued. " I just feel sometimes that...." he paused trying to find the right words.

" I feel that, I don't know. That, I'm the only one who want's a relationship. That everyone else just want's to get laid. I'm not like that. I want to be with someone. One person. Get married. Maybe adopt some kids. I don't know." He stared down at his hands. I still hadn't turned on the engine, so we were just sitting in my car. In the Police parking lot.

Looking at him, I didn't know what I wanted either. On one hand, here's a guy who WANTS to be in a relationship. He's a good guy. He wants everything I want. But I think he really MEANS it. I on the other hand, want it. In fantasy only. The moment I get bored, I know I'll want to leave. I assume so anyway. I do really, really, really like Javier. But I haven't even told him I loved him. That must mean something, right? The fact that he doesn't expect me to say it, must say something about him. Maybe he's settling on me. Which is a weird thought, because he can get pretty much anyone he wanted.

I know what Javier is saying though. In gay culture, relationships happen fast and end fast. A lasting relationship is almost a myth. Yet we all patrol the street searching for 'Mr. Right', when all we really want is 'Mr. Right Now'. When things become real, and the fantasy is gone, we leave and begin all over again. I think whining is a way of gay life. Self pity, and despair. Because what we really want is to be straight. To belong. To live 'Normally'. Maybe I'm wrong, and maybe I'm right. But it does make sense to me in my small world.

" I..." he started again. He still looked at his hands, twisting the ring on his left hand.

" I....I can't be alone. I can't lose you, right now. " he started to cry. I just stared at him while he spoke.

" Every guy I meet, leaves me. " He couldn't even look at me. I think he was embarrassed. Sadly, and please don't judge me for this, but I kind of started to feel embarrassed for him. I didn't like the fact that he was breaking my image of him. I started to see him differently. Weak.

" I don't know what I do wrong, but they always leave. I....I don't.... want..you to leave." When he said this, I should have comforted him. But I couldn't. All I did was light a cigarette. I am such an ASSHOLE! What the fuck is wrong with me? This guy is pouring his heart out to me, and I'm being a cold hearted ASS. But I don't know what to do. So, I sat there and let him cry into his hands. While he did this, I kept remembering all the other times he had cried. I've never cried in front of him. And I'm the GIRL? Yeah right. It took alot for me NOT to chuckle at this thought.

" I'll take you home now, you need some sleep " That was all I could come up with. I turned on the engine, and drove home. On the way Javier fell asleep. I kept looking at him, and noticing how different he looked. He didn't seem like the man I knew. He now seemed like a little boy. Younger than me, and naive. I felt like a parent. The provider. The mentor.

When we got home, he went straight to bed. I stayed in the living room drinking coffee. I thought of David again. I wished I could call him. But I don't have his number. After the two month mark of us not speaking, I deleted his number from my cell phone. I'm sure he did the same. I can't call Teresa either because it's really late. I need some advice. What do I do? What do I mean by that? What I should do is stop being an ASS, and go up there and comfort Javier. Let him know that I'm not going anywhere. I should try this relationship and quit trying to sabotage it. That's what I SHOULD do. But what WILL I do? That I don't know. I feel like if I stay awake, tomorrow will never come. Then I won't have to deal with this problem. The problem being I have a guy who just wants to be with me, forever. That doesn't seem like such a problem does it?

I'm a fucking ASSHOLE!!!!

My Dog