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I'm Depressed
Thanksgiving came and went. I went home, and blah, blah, normal family stuff, blah, blah, blah. My life is as it was. Work, eat, and sleep. This is the season when I'm most depressed. I have been praying for God to kill me in my sleep. Sometimes before I fall asleep, I think of things I would regret not doing, or who I would miss if I died in my sleep. Lately I don't have any answers to those questions. I've gained all the weight back that I lost, and all I eat is junk food. This may be the cause for some of my depression.
I don't know if other people see themselves in the future. Do they have certain goals to attain? Do they want to go places, and see or do specific things? Do they see themselves happy? I have no goals and I hate to travel. I don't see myself happy in my future. What I'm doing today is what I feel I will be doing ten years from now. But that doesn't make me depressed. Because I don't think I want anymore for myself.
When I was diagnosed with Cancer, I was afraid to die. I thought my life was too short. But now, I feel differently. I guess not having control over my life, made me want to live. But what have I done with this new found life? Nothing.
I think having someone will make me happy. But I know it won't. I think having a great job will make me happy. That won't do either. I have no idea what will make me happy. I feel stuck. But I have no will to try and change it. I'm almost satisfied with my life, pathetic as it may be.
I look at homeless people on the street, and think they would enjoy my life better. I see people who I think are "less than" me, and wonder if their lives are fulfilled. I know God gave me this life, but I have no idea what to do with it. Are there other people like me? I'm afraid to speak to anyone about this. I don't want a solution coming from someone I feel doesn't understand. I think I've lost hope. But then again, I don't think I ever had it in the first place.
Are people actually happy? Or do they feel just like me? If I knew I wasn't alone, maybe then I would have hope. Knowing what I feel is normal. I won't kill myself. But dying just doesn't scare me anymore. I'm just a part of society. Doing a job. Paying taxes. Sleeping and eating.
I feel that I'm supposed to do something in my life. I have no idea what it is. I pray to God to tell me. But he doesn't. Maybe I'm just depressed. Maybe when Spring comes, I'll be better.