AJRMAN
Chapter 9
Back To Square One
Today, Javier leaves for New York. Of course I haven't told him that I don't want to live in New York. I am such a wuss. Pathetic. What do I think will happen when I tell him?
1. He'll yell at me
2. We'll break up
3. He'll hate me
4. He'll tell his family and they'll hate me too
5. He'll hit me ( it could happen. When I think about that, it's kinda sexy. Am I weird? )
6. He'll cry ( What else is new )
7. He'll agree with me
Those are the situations that may happen. Can we have a long distance relationship? Is it possible? It never works in the movies, but this is real life. Maybe it will.
" I'm all packed " Javier said as he sat on the couch. I was in a chair with my leg on the coffee table.
" I'm gonna miss you Javier." I held my gaze low. I couldn't look at him.
" I'll miss ya too, guy. But I'll see in a couple of weeks. "
How do I begin to tell him? I should have told him weeks ago. I'm such a wuss. I'm a wussy boy. I'm an asshole. I don't feel to good right now.
" What if..." I started to say. " What if, I can't go to New York?"
" What do you mean you can't go?"
" Umm....What if I....I...I can't go to New York with you."
" WHAT?! Why?. Why can't you go? "
" I don't want to. I don't want to leave my family. I'm sorry, I should have told you sooner. "
" When did you decide this?"
" When you proposed to me. " I still couldn't look at him.
" When I proposed to.......God damn, that was fucking....two months ago! What the fuck, man?! Why you tellin' me this shit now?! "
" Cuz' I'm chicken shit. I'm a puss. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. "
" This if fuckin' great?! "
" I said I'm sorry. This doesn't mean I can't be with you. "
" Really? How are you gonna BE with me, when you're here and I'm in fuckin' New York?! "
" I..I...I don't know. We can make it work. We ARE married. We have to make it work. "
" Yeah, we're married. Which means we're supposed to be together. Why the fuck, do you do shit like this? "
" I don't know. I'm an asshole "
" That's fuckin' right. " He got up and headed to the bedroom. I got up from my chair and hobbled to the bedroom. I stood in the doorway. Javier was sitting on the bed with his back to me.
" I'm sorry. What do you want me to do? "
" I don't care. " He said. He kept staring at the wall. I really think I screwed this one up. I hobbled over to him. I sat on the bed. He got up and headed out to the living room. I got up and hobbled over to the living room. Sweating was forming on my brow from all the hobbling.
" Quit following me, guy. I can't be around you right now." He went to the bedroom again. If he didn't have reason to be so upset with me, I would have told him to quit fucking moving around. My leg's starting to hurt. I took the crutch leaning against the wall, and I used that to follow him. When I reached the bedroom, he tried to leave. But I blocked the doorway.
" Come on. " I said. I smiled at him. But he didn't return it. Finally he looked at me.
" I can't do this with you anymore. You do things to test me. "
" No I don't "
" Yeah, yeah you do." He's right, I do. Tears started to form in his eyes.
" You're not honest with me. " he continued " I just can't do this anymore." A tear dropped down his cheek and he wiped it with his hand.
" I can't stay here. You know that don't you? " He said.
" I know." My chest was starting to pound.
" I..I don't think...this is going to work out. " More tears flowed down his cheek. He didn't wipe them though.
" I know. " I said this calmly. My cold heart wouldn't allow me to show him I was being torn up inside. At this moment I DID want to move with him. But I'm playing a game here. A game of who's stronger. I can't for the life of me show emotions. I hate myself for this. Javier looked at my emotionless face. I knew it hurt him.
" Of course you know. You've known all along. This has always been one sided hasn't it? "
" No." I said. Javier shook his head.
" Yeah it has. I don't think you love me. "
" I do."
" Then say it." Wow, so much pressure for me to say it. Saying it would mean that I would lose the Asshole game that I'm playing. I can't do it. What the fuck is wrong with me? I stood there staring at him, unable to say it.
" That's what I thought." he said. " Okay then. I gotta go. " He gestured for me to move out of his way. He went to the living room where his bags were. He picked them up. I hobbled after him. He turned around and looked at me. He wasn't crying anymore. He was very calm. He looked at my left hand, eyeing my wedding ring. He then looked at his. He slowly took it off his finger, and gently placed it on the coffee table. I wanted to say something, but I didn't know what to say. I was hoping Javier would say something before he left. I couldn't believe this is how it will end. Javier didn't say anything. He didn't even glance once more at me. He opened the door and just left.
It's so quiet now. Javier is gone. Gone. I'm all alone. It hasn't sunk in yet. I know he just broke up with me, but it has not sunk in yet. Maybe I'm just numb. He'll call me. I know it.
Fast forward a week.......
Javier still hasn't called.
Fast forward another week.........
He still hasn't called. Of course I haven't called him either. I'm only saying this to prove I've won the game. This shitty little game that only I play.
Fast forward another week.........
Still no call from Javier. It's over. I'm alone in my apartment. No boyfriend. Gaining weight. Isn't this how the story started? It's September. Summers over. This has been a crappy Summer. I called Teresa on her cell phone. I told her to stop by Jack In The Box and pick me up a Bacon Bacon Cheeseburger, Curly fries, a Double Fudge cake, and some milk. Yep, I truly do think this IS how the story started.